Celebrities That Try To Be Me: Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp

    Women both young and old fall prey to his charm. He’s in just about every pop culture magazine you can think of. He has starred in every type of role you can imagine from demented barber, to staggering pirate, to chocolate factory owner. He is regarded highly for his talent and looks, and can be seen either sampling cheese in his residence in Plan de la Tour, or strolling around the streets of LA. He is Johnny Depp: actor, lover, world Icon. But strangely the thing you have yet to know about our good friend Johnny Depp is also one of his deepest, darkest, Deppest secrets:

     Johnny Depp has been trying to be me ever
     since 2004. It started with following my trends,
     and now he's trying to steal my identity,
     and that’s why today I’m labeling him a biter.

    I’ve deleted him off my Facebook and Twitter countless times, ignored his emails and phone calls, yet he still finds ways to get to me. Whether it’s paying his maid to take snapshots of me in the produce aisle, or cleverly disguising himself as a priest and using my confessions to boost his public image, my actions have not deterred Johnny Depp from becoming as close to being me as he possibly can. He will stop at nothing to get what he wants. And this time, instead of rum, revenge, or chocolate, the object of his desire is me, my persona, my life.

Now you might be saying:

“Come on Cornelius, how can you be sure that he’s even trying to be you? He’s got money, he’s famous. What could he possibly want with you?”

The answer is simple. He wants my style. Ever since his role as Mort Rainey in Secret Window, Johnny Depp has been roaming the streets looking like me, writing like me, staring out of windows like me, talking like me, talking about me… It just never stops.

But let’s just for one moment suspend reality and pretend that Johhny Depp is not trying to be me. Let’s just look at the cold hard facts and let them decide the truth. Let’s start by establishing the obvious.

      (Facts have not been tampered with or swayed in my favor in any way).

                                                      Fact Chart:

                          (Johnny Depp has yet to learn how to hack a PSP).

    Who else do you know that also wears glasses and a hat, and can be seen scowling 90% of the time? That’s right… me! Is it a coincidence that he and I both wear sweaters, I don’t think so. I think you agree. And something else worth mentioning, if you look very closely at Mr. Depp’s face, there is a small patch of his beard missing (right under his goatee), a fashion choice I have been making for my face my entire life. The evidence is all there. Clear as day, black and white.

    Now that we all agree that Johnny Depp has indeed been trying to be me, I think it is time we figure out a way to put a stop to this menace. Johnny Depp, if you’re reading this, I think I know what’s going on. I completely understand. You just want acceptance. You feel like those fans can’t ever give you the support that I can, and that me ignoring you made you want to be me even more. It’s okay, I get it. I see you’re just using my style as a cry for help. I just want to let you know that it’s okay. Everything is okay. You don’t have to try be somebody else (but let’s be honest: me) in order to win acceptance, or fame, or whatever it is that you are trying to earn. You got to understand that there are much better—much healthier ways of dealing with your insecurities that don’t include copying my look verbatim. You can take up pottery, for instance. And I bet you would be just a good a potter as you were a hatter.

    You may have the world fooled, Johnny Depp, but you haven’t fooled me. Copying my birthday (June 9^th) was probably your biggest mistake, and although the world is blind to your villainy, let it be known that I will not rest until this injustice stands corrected, whether that means you let me star in a movie with you, write a movie with you, give me your beach house in the Bahamas, send me large checks every month for the rest of my life—whatever you feel will repair the hurt you have caused. I also know that you will not give me any of the things I desire (even though I deserve them), so how about you just end your shenanigans right now and stick to what you do best.

Conclusion: Biter!