Celebrities That Try To Be Me: Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber

The toothy, purple wearing bandit.

    He is the biggest new young hit of our generation. The boy behind the windblown hair and innocent smile; singing catchy tunes, taking the pop scene by storm, and making all the young girls fall for him like heavy apples in Autumn. 

   He is Justin Bieber, or Beaver, or Biebster as his name permits these mockeries to be made of him. When he's not selling out concerts and signing T-shirts, you can probably find him smiling on glossy covers of posters, plastered on the wall of every girl age 13 and younger. Yet behind that tooth-lipped smile lies a monster the likes which the world has never seen. It is a toothy monster, a purple wearing bandit that threatens to put all we hold dear directly in the path of jeopardy. What you have yet to realize about our harmless little friend is that harming others is what makes him feel alive, but lucky as you are, you have me here to tell you what he's doing and how to stop him. The fact of the matter is:

          Justin Bieber has been trying to be me since 2007. It started with copying 

          my haircut and flaunting the streets with my signature smile, and now he 

          won't stop until he becomes me and that's why today I'm labeling him a biter!

    Believe me, I wouldn't even bring this up if I thought this was just about me. Justin Bieber becoming me is the least of my worries compared to the other plans he has in store. I'm afraid that the fate of the world is headed towards nothing short of peril, and I'm the only one that can stop him. He has assumed my identity in a ploy to somehow convince the world of his good merits, singing love songs about "babies" to trick his fans into thinking he has love on the brain, when really it's BOGO that's on his brain. That's right: Buy One, Get Obliterated! Somehow it got in his head that I was the perfect guise for his crime against humanity, and if I can just prove to you that he has been trying to be me, maybe you can realize that he is capable of a far worse terror.

                                     Behold, the chart that will prove his villainy!

*Justin Bieber's haircut might allow him to survive the Apocalypse

   (No guarantees for this apocalypse though)

    Notice how as Bieber's haircut popularity increases, my haircut's coolness decreases? Lead scientists worry that this data is nothing short of a disaster waiting to happen as in 30X7 Bieber's haircut coolness will have jumped 1500% the number it was in 2007. These facts, my friends, are scary business. And as I am writing this, I am sitting on the edge of my seat.

    Not a day has gone by that people have not complemented my nice "Bieber" cut. As if anything else can be more humiliating. In addition to him stealing my persona, people are convinced that I am fashioning myself after him. I don't know what kind of sick game he is playing, or what device he's using, whether it's mind control or tiny mind numbing orbs he hides behind his toothy cage, but people are falling for it. What's worse is Mr. Bieber is slowly taking one piece of me at a time and making it his look. Still not convinced? Alright, see for yourself. My hair, chestnut brown. His hair... My eyes, brown. His eyes.... I have a signature toothy smile which I save for silly occasions and he's flaunting it like it's in limitless supply. And how do you think he achieved his success as a famous pop star? Not many of you know this, but a long time ago before we ever became famous, The Cornfield Bandits consisted of four members: Me, my bro Dmitrious, my cousin Lil Shurik, and then Justin Bieber. Everything was koshur until the spotlight made him crazy, and we witnessed his sanity unravel as he wrapped himself in schemes of how to best manipulate society to do his bidding. We kicked him out of our band, and ever since that moment he has spurred with hateful vengeance.

    But why take my word for it? I'm just an average Joe, right? WRONG! I am the key to survival; humanity's one and only chance, for only I know his one and only weakness. Remove that microphone and you have nothing but a wimpy kid who wears purple. Love me or hate me, but the truth is all in the facts.The fate of the world rests with me and only me. It is in my hands as I make sure that Justin Bieber never gets a chance to hold it.

My Solution:

    Hold Bieber back in Middle School with extra social studies homework. Put him in the choir and don't give him a solo. Put sleepy medication in his sloppy Joe, and give him after school detention--anything to temporarily deter him from destroying the world. Under the scrutiny of the public school system he will not be able to continue his efforts to condemn the world to eternal suffering. In addition to that I have a few other requests, which should prove useful should Bieber ever "accidentally" graduate middle school.

    My requests are not too demanding. All I ask for is an army the size of Jupiter, weapons with massive potential for destruction, my college loans paid in full, and a trip to Six Flags. The doubters will doubt, but they are also blind to the truth. Maybe they will take me more seriously when it's them that's the object of Bieber's attention. But why would Bieber even want them? He already has me.

Conclusion: Biter!

Other celebrities that try to be me: 

Johnny Depp

First Day Of Sun

It's not often that you hear a song and words instantly come to you. Upon
hearing First Day Of Sun by God is an Astronaut, these words came to me.

Rules of Conduct:
Step 1) Hit the link (open in a new window)
Step 2) Read paragraph upon serenation
Step 3) Contemplate image

First Day Of Sun

I'm sorry that you can only live in my subconscious where you exist only to help me remember the things that I need to get better. And I'm sorry that when I think of you, you might be thinking back, but not long enough for me to notice because I'm thinking you would like me to move on. And when I do, I realize I'm not ready to. I realize that maybe I'm a bigger part of you than you were ever of me, and that when you think of me--maybe that's me living in your subconscious; helping you remember the things that you need to get better. And now I'm sorry that I can only live in your subconscious.

Thank you for taking the time to experience my emotion with me.

This Black Friday...

Is going to SUCK!

    But I figure 18 hours of standing in the cold is worth a new laptop. All I'm saying is that no one better get in my way. Instead of slowing me down, my ten layers of clothing only give me physics defying momentum. Once I get moving I'm basically unstoppable. I don't care if you're in your nineties and are using a stroller, I will push past you so fast, and won't even think twice about it. Why you even need anything from Black Friday is beyond me. I thought you were against technology. Oh don't give me that smirk, I get it. You just need a laptop to surf the net and connect to your friends... All five of them. And maybe that webcam is finally going to give you the exposure you need to become the star you were always meant to be.

(taken from your actual living room)

That large bright screen won't hurt your eyes and the 500GB hard drive has plenty of room to squeeze in your vinyls and pitures from the Civil War. I'm sure you also have some videos that you would like to edit, because let's face it, your Apple from the 1980's isn't going to cut it. But then again, you're still using one of these:

Actually, you know what, I'm sorry. You obviously need this laptop more than I do. I should stop being so selfish and think about somebody else for a change. Maybe there is a lesson for all of us here: We stand in the cold itching to spend our hard earned cash, and forget how to treat other people as human beings. Maybe if we let other people have what we want, something else might come that is even better than what we thought we wanted.  When did we forget how to love our neighbor and treat others with dignity and respect? If the whole world saw what I have seen today, would wars still be fought? Would the world be a better place to live in?

                                                                                       ...

                                              "NOW! What are you waiting for, Dmitrious--push her down!

                                                Forget about her stroller, come on!
                                                GO GO GO! We've got laptops to buy!"

My Hipster Experience

(somewhere in Azkaban)

So I was invited to come to a Hipster party on Saturday.

"Dress up or be shunned," the invite read. 




 

Instantly a thousand excited little brain cells danced around a fire that blew exotic green and blue smoke, fumbling over each other and clouding conjured images of warlocks, dragons, turtles, and other mysterious beings encountered as I raided my closet.

100% Hipster

What I found was:
One droopy beanie with "Spalding Auto"
embroidered on the back. One pair of 3D glasses. One sailboat necklace made from real coconut. One blue v-neck shirt. One pair of tight fitted jeans. One Orange/Gray/White/Red Plaid button up. One Thumbs up. One 

mother's scarf. One father's brown leather shoes.                                         

                          My Hipster outfit was complete!

    I rolled in through a slanted wooden gate, flimsy at best and entered a house via a wooded porch. The room was hot, but filled with seclusion. I felt the presence of eyes on my front and back and from all sides, but most disappeared if I so much as tried to make contact with them.

                       Wow, we're all just a bunch of Hipsters, I thought to myself.

If this was any other circumstance, everyone here would socialize and get along, and maybe a fight would break out. But because the idea of being a Hipster became involved, socializing and getting along meant staying clear from one another and avoiding eye contact at all costs. Many many groups, but none intermingled. Hipsters laughing to themselves, talking to themselves, becoming silent as I neared them. It was like a great responsibility came bundled with the droopy hats, non aesthetic rag-hag clothing, and 3D glasses. The idea that as soon as I entered that room I somehow became a part of their game seems outlandish to me, but strangely enough, I found myself interlocked right there with them, and I too began to ignore people. I played my part of a hipster quite well, but I was acting--they weren't, and that was the problem. Somehow between fitting into their tight jeans and adorning themselves with rusty trinkets, they became so immersed in their characters that they lost sight of themselves. I felt a little sorry for them, but mostly I drank hot tea, flashed quirky dance moves (the kind that didn't fit in with any cultural norm), and observed being observed and judged.

Hipster Ball

    Two hours earlier I showed up to SFCC to watch a production of The Good Woman of Setzuan, a Chinese teaching drama preaching goodness, fully adorned in Hipster clothing. Not only was I astounded that no one gave me so much as a dirty glance or even a double take, but people were even acting overly friendly to me. It's like our culture isn't phased by Hipsters anymore. The thought surfaced:

 Am I the only one who thinks Hipsters are just really weird?

    To my left was an old man. To my right... a hipster. I smiled on the way out. I learned a lot about people that day. How even pretending to be something, made you somehow that something, and I wondered what it was that made people incline towards that. Maybe we're just all great actors...or maybe when alcohol is served people will believe anything. Mostly that they're something they're not, but also that secretly they make fun of people because they just don't understand them. I drank tea, of course, and in between sips couldn't help but realize that beneath all of that makeup, Chinese Gods are actually just Chinese Hipsters.

Chinese Hipster Gods

Celebrities That Try To Be Me: Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp

    Women both young and old fall prey to his charm. He’s in just about every pop culture magazine you can think of. He has starred in every type of role you can imagine from demented barber, to staggering pirate, to chocolate factory owner. He is regarded highly for his talent and looks, and can be seen either sampling cheese in his residence in Plan de la Tour, or strolling around the streets of LA. He is Johnny Depp: actor, lover, world Icon. But strangely the thing you have yet to know about our good friend Johnny Depp is also one of his deepest, darkest, Deppest secrets:

     Johnny Depp has been trying to be me ever
     since 2004. It started with following my trends,
     and now he's trying to steal my identity,
     and that’s why today I’m labeling him a biter.

    I’ve deleted him off my Facebook and Twitter countless times, ignored his emails and phone calls, yet he still finds ways to get to me. Whether it’s paying his maid to take snapshots of me in the produce aisle, or cleverly disguising himself as a priest and using my confessions to boost his public image, my actions have not deterred Johnny Depp from becoming as close to being me as he possibly can. He will stop at nothing to get what he wants. And this time, instead of rum, revenge, or chocolate, the object of his desire is me, my persona, my life.

Now you might be saying:

“Come on Cornelius, how can you be sure that he’s even trying to be you? He’s got money, he’s famous. What could he possibly want with you?”

The answer is simple. He wants my style. Ever since his role as Mort Rainey in Secret Window, Johnny Depp has been roaming the streets looking like me, writing like me, staring out of windows like me, talking like me, talking about me… It just never stops.

But let’s just for one moment suspend reality and pretend that Johhny Depp is not trying to be me. Let’s just look at the cold hard facts and let them decide the truth. Let’s start by establishing the obvious.

      (Facts have not been tampered with or swayed in my favor in any way).

                                                      Fact Chart:

                          (Johnny Depp has yet to learn how to hack a PSP).

    Who else do you know that also wears glasses and a hat, and can be seen scowling 90% of the time? That’s right… me! Is it a coincidence that he and I both wear sweaters, I don’t think so. I think you agree. And something else worth mentioning, if you look very closely at Mr. Depp’s face, there is a small patch of his beard missing (right under his goatee), a fashion choice I have been making for my face my entire life. The evidence is all there. Clear as day, black and white.

    Now that we all agree that Johnny Depp has indeed been trying to be me, I think it is time we figure out a way to put a stop to this menace. Johnny Depp, if you’re reading this, I think I know what’s going on. I completely understand. You just want acceptance. You feel like those fans can’t ever give you the support that I can, and that me ignoring you made you want to be me even more. It’s okay, I get it. I see you’re just using my style as a cry for help. I just want to let you know that it’s okay. Everything is okay. You don’t have to try be somebody else (but let’s be honest: me) in order to win acceptance, or fame, or whatever it is that you are trying to earn. You got to understand that there are much better—much healthier ways of dealing with your insecurities that don’t include copying my look verbatim. You can take up pottery, for instance. And I bet you would be just a good a potter as you were a hatter.

    You may have the world fooled, Johnny Depp, but you haven’t fooled me. Copying my birthday (June 9^th) was probably your biggest mistake, and although the world is blind to your villainy, let it be known that I will not rest until this injustice stands corrected, whether that means you let me star in a movie with you, write a movie with you, give me your beach house in the Bahamas, send me large checks every month for the rest of my life—whatever you feel will repair the hurt you have caused. I also know that you will not give me any of the things I desire (even though I deserve them), so how about you just end your shenanigans right now and stick to what you do best.

Conclusion: Biter!