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| The toothy, purple wearing bandit. |
He is the biggest new young hit of our generation. The boy behind the windblown hair and innocent smile; singing catchy tunes, taking the pop scene by storm, and making all the young girls fall for him like heavy apples in Autumn.
He is Justin Bieber, or Beaver, or Biebster as his name permits these mockeries to be made of him. When he's not selling out concerts and signing T-shirts, you can probably find him smiling on glossy covers of posters, plastered on the wall of every girl age 13 and younger. Yet behind that tooth-lipped smile lies a monster the likes which the world has never seen. It is a toothy monster, a purple wearing bandit that threatens to put all we hold dear directly in the path of jeopardy. What you have yet to realize about our harmless little friend is that harming others is what makes him feel alive, but lucky as you are, you have me here to tell you what he's doing and how to stop him. The fact of the matter is:
Justin Bieber has been trying to be me since 2007. It started with copying
my haircut and flaunting the streets with my signature smile, and now he
won't stop until he becomes me and that's why today I'm labeling him a biter!
Believe me, I wouldn't even bring this up if I thought this was just about me. Justin Bieber becoming me is the least of my worries compared to the other plans he has in store. I'm afraid that the fate of the world is headed towards nothing short of peril, and I'm the only one that can stop him. He has assumed my identity in a ploy to somehow convince the world of his good merits, singing love songs about "babies" to trick his fans into thinking he has love on the brain, when really it's BOGO that's on his brain. That's right: Buy One, Get Obliterated! Somehow it got in his head that I was the perfect guise for his crime against humanity, and if I can just prove to you that he has been trying to be me, maybe you can realize that he is capable of a far worse terror.
Behold, the chart that will prove his villainy!
*Justin Bieber's haircut might allow him to survive the Apocalypse
(No guarantees for this apocalypse though)
Not a day has gone by that people have not complemented my nice "Bieber" cut. As if anything else can be more humiliating. In addition to him stealing my persona, people are convinced that I am fashioning myself after him. I don't know what kind of sick game he is playing, or what device he's using, whether it's mind control or tiny mind numbing orbs he hides behind his toothy cage, but people are falling for it. What's worse is Mr. Bieber is slowly taking one piece of me at a time and making it his look. Still not convinced? Alright, see for yourself. My hair, chestnut brown. His hair... My eyes, brown. His eyes.... I have a signature toothy smile which I save for silly occasions and he's flaunting it like it's in limitless supply. And how do you think he achieved his success as a famous pop star? Not many of you know this, but a long time ago before we ever became famous, The Cornfield Bandits consisted of four members: Me, my bro Dmitrious, my cousin Lil Shurik, and then Justin Bieber. Everything was koshur until the spotlight made him crazy, and we witnessed his sanity unravel as he wrapped himself in schemes of how to best manipulate society to do his bidding. We kicked him out of our band, and ever since that moment he has spurred with hateful vengeance.
Notice how as Bieber's haircut popularity increases, my haircut's coolness decreases? Lead scientists worry that this data is nothing short of a disaster waiting to happen as in 30X7 Bieber's haircut coolness will have jumped 1500% the number it was in 2007. These facts, my friends, are scary business. And as I am writing this, I am sitting on the edge of my seat.
Not a day has gone by that people have not complemented my nice "Bieber" cut. As if anything else can be more humiliating. In addition to him stealing my persona, people are convinced that I am fashioning myself after him. I don't know what kind of sick game he is playing, or what device he's using, whether it's mind control or tiny mind numbing orbs he hides behind his toothy cage, but people are falling for it. What's worse is Mr. Bieber is slowly taking one piece of me at a time and making it his look. Still not convinced? Alright, see for yourself. My hair, chestnut brown. His hair... My eyes, brown. His eyes.... I have a signature toothy smile which I save for silly occasions and he's flaunting it like it's in limitless supply. And how do you think he achieved his success as a famous pop star? Not many of you know this, but a long time ago before we ever became famous, The Cornfield Bandits consisted of four members: Me, my bro Dmitrious, my cousin Lil Shurik, and then Justin Bieber. Everything was koshur until the spotlight made him crazy, and we witnessed his sanity unravel as he wrapped himself in schemes of how to best manipulate society to do his bidding. We kicked him out of our band, and ever since that moment he has spurred with hateful vengeance. But why take my word for it? I'm just an average Joe, right? WRONG! I am the key to survival; humanity's one and only chance, for only I know his one and only weakness. Remove that microphone and you have nothing but a wimpy kid who wears purple. Love me or hate me, but the truth is all in the facts.The fate of the world rests with me and only me. It is in my hands as I make sure that Justin Bieber never gets a chance to hold it.
My Solution:
Hold Bieber back in Middle School with extra social studies homework. Put him in the choir and don't give him a solo. Put sleepy medication in his sloppy Joe, and give him after school detention--anything to temporarily deter him from destroying the world. Under the scrutiny of the public school system he will not be able to continue his efforts to condemn the world to eternal suffering. In addition to that I have a few other requests, which should prove useful should Bieber ever "accidentally" graduate middle school.
My requests are not too demanding. All I ask for is an army the size of Jupiter, weapons with massive potential for destruction, my college loans paid in full, and a trip to Six Flags. The doubters will doubt, but they are also blind to the truth. Maybe they will take me more seriously when it's them that's the object of Bieber's attention. But why would Bieber even want them? He already has me.
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